Patience..

If there is one thing I am lacking it is Patience. I have always wanted to become a mother as long as I can remember.. which is well when Christian(little bro) was born I was 3ish. I used to dress him up with little bonnets and I just loved to take care of him. Then came Gabi(little sis). She was so tiny and my sisters and I loved to act like she was our dolls. I was always playing house. I had more dolls then you could even imagine. I even got my first kitten in 4th grade. Sweet little Kirby. I loved taking care of him. I love to care and nurture. I know I am not perfect but I always try to be there for a love one when they need it most. I am overly emotional and sensitive. My feelings tend to get hurt very easy. The Lord has given me a trial. I trial that has helped my testimony of His love and the Gospel grow. I have gained a very big amount of Hope and Faith. A few months after Matt and I got married we found out we were Pregnant. I was so excited and overjoyed! We were  little nervous because it had happened so fast! I had been having a lot of stomach aches, which I thought was normal. My sister Elissa was living in Denver at the time. Us girls, my mom Alex and baby Zeke, Gabi and my puppy Zilla wanted to drive out there and spend time with her before Elissa had Kat. We left early that morning. For some odd reason I just never felt hungry and didn't eat anything. About more then half way to Denver I finally decided I wanted to try to sleep. I finally got comfortable and then a big sharp pain hit my right side of my stomach. I broke out into a cold sweat and could not sit still. I was in so much pain. Side note --Just before this happened we were talking about tubal ligation's and how its very uncommon for woman to have one.-- Before we had left my mom had asked my dad for his GPS. We knew how to get to Denver but my mom wanted us to have it just because. And thank goodness! We googled the closest Hospital. St Mary's in Grand Junction. We were only 20 miles from it. We got to the ER and got all settled. They were nervous it could have been my appendix rupturing. I was only a couple weeks pregnant. They then told me that I had an ectopic pregnancy and that it had rupture and that I needed emergency surgery right away. Back to my side note. An ectopic is where the baby is in the fallopian tube. It has not come down and will not come down it is stuck. There is no way for it to survive and could have eventually killed me.. we thought this was a tubal ligation. Coincidence that we had been talking about that just right before everything had started happening. Matt was here in Utah. Not knowing what to do.  My first surgery, newly married and I was away from Matt. My sweet mom stood by my side the whole time. She was there when I woke up. The pain after the surgery was AWFUL! You use your stomach muscles for everything!! They had to remove my right fallopian tube but had left my ovary. Little did I know how long of a journey I had ahead of me. We stayed over night in a Hotel in Grand Junction. In the morning they checked on my incisions and we still drove to Denver. We were closer to Denver then Salt Lake and I knew I couldn't handle a long ride home and I wanted to see my sister. We stayed an extra couple days before heading home so I could heal a little bit. Once home I stayed on the couch for about 3 months. I didn't want to do anything and I didn't feel like doing anything. Well time went on and I became stronger. Only with my Saviors help. It didn't stop Matt and I from trying to get pregnant. I was just more cautious. Exactly a Year later.. almost to the day.. I found out I was pregnant. I knew something was not right. I was nervous and worried because I only have one tube left and I still wanted children. I went to the Dr's and sure enough.. it was another Ectopic. In my left fallopian tube. They say once you have one you are more likely to have another.. then another and chances increase. We had caught it in time that we were able to save my tube. I had to get this awful shot in my butt and felt sick for days. I was still determined that I wanted kids so bad! I told myself I would be willing to do anything natural before I turned to In Vitro first.. mostly cause it costs an ARM and  a LEG! So I found an Herbalist. or as she likes to call herself the "WITCH DOCTOR." I started seeing Wendy in March.. just a month after my ectopic. I have something called Candida. I have had it my whole life. It's a Yeast overgrowth in the body that sometimes never goes away. We think that it had cause some scar tissue and we wanted to get rid of it and break it down.  If you know me you know that I love SUGAR and sweets! Well that feeds the yeast or fungus.. I had to go on a strict all natural diet. no processed food, no breads(yeasts), no mushrooms(fungus), and no SUGAR! So for about 8 months I kept taking my herbs and sticking to my diet. I went to see Wendy. She gave me the news that my body seemed ready and that Matt and I could start trying. Within the month I was pregnant! I was so excited.. I felt more calm about this pregnancy. However, I knew that something was not right. I went into the Drs. When I get pregnant they have to check my HCG levels every couple days. If they raise rapidly its a normal pregnancy. If they rise slowely but still rise its an ectopic. My levels were rising the way they wanted them to. We did an ultra sound.. but there was no sign of anything.. nothing in my uterus or my left little tube. They thought maybe it was to early to see anything and wanted me to come back after Thanksgiving weekend. It was the longest weekend of my life. On Sunday I was just emotionally drained. I decided that I wanted to read my scriptures. I needed peace and comfort. I opened up Doctrine and Covenants and read: "Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted: yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks; Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of Saboeth, and are recorded with this seal and testament-the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted. Therefore, He giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled;and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord." Doctrine and Covenants 98 1-3. I knew right then and there that I would not stay pregnant. I knew that I was miscarrying. I was overcome and filled with peace and comfort. Tears were streaming down my face. I felt such a relief. I knew right then and there that I would be ok. I had the Faith and I put my trust in the Lord. The Lord is always watching out for us. He knows what we can and cannot handle. The following day I went for my ultra sound and to get my HCG levels. They still could not find anything.. and my levels had dropped. I was indeed miscarrying. The Dr and the nurses were stunned. I was prepared for the news they would be giving me. I have wanted to share this story for some time now. I am still not pregnant and that's ok. I have my days where I am down and sad. But Uchtdorf had given a talk at the Relief Society broadcast. the 5 Forget me nots.. I love those little blue flowers that always seem to get looked over. The 1 Forget Me Not that really stuck out was: "Forget not to live in the NOW!" And that is exactly what I try to do each day. I have my beautiful niece's and nephew that are here NOW! My sweet Husband whom I adore and love so much! I have so much to be grateful for and so much to live for NOW! I am thankful for my sweet Husband and the Priesthood we have in our home. I love this Gospel! I would be lost with out it! I am thankful for the Scriptures. They truly are magnificent. I am thankful that I can find and feel peace when I go to the temple. My Savior. With out him Nothing would be possible! Patience... I really lack it. Every day I strive to be better so that one day after I have waited hope prayed had faith that I will get to hold that sweet little babes in my arms. I know it will happen because "Some Blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heave; but for those who embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, they come!"-Jeffrey R Holland. Don't forget to live in the NOW, have Faith and Hope. Love all those around you for you do not know what they could be going through. Sorry this was so long but I just felt so inspired to share.